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Jul. 6th, 2008

Corruption purified?

 Does anyone think that I have a personality disorder?  I seriously believe I do and it is very stereotypical of comic books.  Like I ususaly am morbid to no end and I'm not scathed by gortesque images.  I'm desensitized, but this weird "saint"  thing has emerged over the last day and I find myself preaching to my mom.  Not biblically, but ... it is still weird.  I flinched at a war scene and found myself sad about it happening.  I can't even play senseless and violent video games!!! I think it is all this water I've been drinking.  I haven't eaten a real meal in three days because I was on my way to a kidney infection (due to all the coca cola in my body).  So, due to that I've been drinking nothing but water and flushing my body out.  I'm better now, but not MYSELF!!!!

Jul. 4th, 2008

Sad green

Para tú, mi vida!

Tú eres todo a mí, mi vida.  Soy feliz para tú y todo tú haces.  Cuando tú duermes al lado de mí, yo sé que tus brazos me protege.  Mi hombre dulce que mira fijamente en mí cuando yo me despierto y me abrazo apretadamente.  Yo sé que me quieres pero yo te necesito a veces.  Por favor sepa que soy siempre fiel a tú.  Tú no necesitas para preocuparse por mí.  Tú sabes que te amo y se fía de tú.  Por favor haga el mismo para mí.  

Te amo, mi vida. 

Willow - Emilie Autumn

Jul. 1st, 2008

what the hell am I?, really

Don't care!

I"m going to stay a virgin the rest of my life! I don't care how much you say you love me or how much fun I'll have, I'M STAYING A VIRGIN!!! I'm not even thinking about marriage so I will not include that in my statement.  I'm going to remain a virign.  Thank you!


Jun. 30th, 2008

Men, oh men! Where have I gone wrong? List of Stalkers...for posterity

Hello! This is Lin or some of you may know me as Caitlin! This is for posterity.

I will not use last names just in case...and for legal purposes and for the integrity, or what is left, of the accused.

I just don't get males and that makes sense, but I would like to know why they do crazy things...most of the time.  Can anyone answer me this?  Why would I be generally ignored by the opposite sex to only have an onslaught of complete wackos that are brought into my life to make me feel either scared, furious, or self-loathing?  The summer before ninth grade I was seriously stalked by a man named Chris that began with annoying devotion of the "you're beautiful, why won't you date me" sort.  Then it became physical to the point where he nearly raped me on his street.  After thoroughly beating him up, he hasn't bothered me until a single winter incident that I just made him leave without hurting him.  

Then there was Creepy-Zach and I thought that he was a really nice guy.  Not hot in any stretch of the imagination, but that doesn't really matter to me.  I thought he would be nice...because he always sent me notes and such.  So he sent me this note and it was a very sad, depressing tale of how he was losing his house and that he wouldn't be able to be on the computer for a while, but asked a few selected people (Bad-Zach got a note too) for their phone-numbers and myspace.  Well, I didn't have a Myspace, so I decided to give him my Livejournal username and I gave him my cell number...big mistake.  ****I must say that I am shy when it comes to these matters and I thought that I would be confident and give him my stuff so that he could talk to me because he was nice... a little weird, but nice**** Well, he did call me...a lot!  I mean seven calls in one hour and I never picked up because I was sleeping.  All the voice messages were incomprehensible except for a few that said he was picking me up for a movie and that I should meet him at the cinema at 8 and he would mutter that he liked me after every message.  Even though I don't like to be told someone likes me, he gave me a whopping 20 calls and 10 messages for the entire day.  Then on my livejournal he wrote several comments for one entry...then went on to the next entry.  I got a different livejournal account...this one.  He wouldn't leave me alone until I got so scared that I just ignored him until it went away.  Never saw him again.  

Then Jason is someone I met at Target, talking over Bowie.  He was nice and he gave me many threatening voice messages, but he gave up and he wasn't really that scary.  Nothing happened with him.  He gave me the nickname "Lin', though. 

Then we come to DEREK!!! Oh, where should I begin with this persistent BASTARD!!! He, in actuality, was my friend...for a year!  I met him in Hot Topic and we hit it off.  He bought me chicken at Sonic for goodness sake!!!  We were chummy, nice to each other and talked about just random things.  Music, movies, the works!!! He was so nice to me and I was attracted to him, but I liked where we were.  Nice and happy because I hadn't had the best luck with guys.  But this is exactly what got me in the wrong place with him.  Might I say that this guy is the scariest of them all.  He is intelligent and knows how to get out of jams, reword things and use them to his advantage...but in the end he did get desperate.  It started with an alarming and unexpected email that basically said "I WANT YOUR BODY!"  It had more lines than that, but basically that was it.  He told me all the stuff he wanted to do to me when I turned eighteen because he was 18 at the time and I was only 16 at the time.  He is probably 19 by now.  Anyway, I got freaked out...seriously freaked out.  My friend told me to tell him that he was out of line and I did.  But he just came back with this crap about me being 'Damaged'.  The bastard!  Then it gets complicated because he doesn't really say anything that is thoroughly offensive.  Like I said, he uses his words.  He says that he gave me a compliment and I don't understand how to deal with his advances and that I should be "grateful that he noticed me".  Then, because I voice my complaints again, he said that I was anxious because I, in fact, loved him!  Dude, it is weird how he turns things around... you just don't understand.  He sent me a pair of underpants....a thong....for christmas.  It was embarrassing...

But it doesn't end here!!!  Derek comes to my house... on a half-day because he knew I had it off and my parents don't come home until 3.  So, he comes over and pretty much gets into my door with brunt force and tries to get me to calm down when he entered my house uninvited.  So I try to push him out and he throws me to a wall and rakes his nails across my side, leaving these weird scratches that I showed a few people.  (I'm sorry Mel for not showing you!  I only saw you in the morning on those days).  Kelly saw them and Suzanne.  Well, I got him out of my house when he saw the blood and he apologized as he left.  I told my parents and they flipped and we got a restraining order that, well, the police here didn't really want to honor when Derek comes over again to apologize.  They said he didn't hurt me so they were letting him off and then Derek never shows up again...only calls and emails, but not often.  

Then he sends me another email..."Marry Me." It says.  I write "Hell no!!"  He asks me why not but I don't answer and this doesn't break the restraining order.... but it scares me to cut him off completely because what if that makes him mad?  If he has an outlet, then he could be better.  Well, he then sends a package, with a ring in it.  An emerald ring with a real jewelry company stamped on the side.  It was around 900 dollars and I just don't know where he got the money.  Yea, Derek is a real piece of work.  I don't know what to do with him...or about him.  

So these are my men and I don't know what to do about them.  Or how to establish a relationship with anyone else.    

Jun. 10th, 2008

long hair

Why won't my man give birth?!

Welcome to the realm of my madness!!! *enter evil laugh*

So, I took about a thousand "Are you evil quizzes" because I have no life during the summer and apparently I'm 50/50!!! I'm just a muddled little psycho and because I like France, I'm evil.  Some of them had weird questions...like if I liked France over Germany I was evil.  I don't know the basis of these.  I want to become a priest, actually, but I don't believe in celibacy because I think taking away something for life is an excess in the opposite direction and leads the poor creature to be craving something that just adds to the population.  Then they end up exploding and grabbing the nearest thing with a pulse to satisfy the lust.  Trust me, priests are human just like you.  
But I'm a girl and cannot be a priest and I don't want to be a nun.  So...I don't know.  Why can't I be a priestess?  Because it is pagan?  Why can't I just help people? That is the best thing, yes?


So, the other day I wanted a husband really bad. Then I didn't.  And on the Sims 2 game I started, my sims won't get pregnant!!! They are so infertile!! And when they finally conceive, it is the man that is pregnant!! He didn't get abducted by aliens and we don't live in strangetown.  Now he won't give birth and is tired all the frickin' time!! 

Why won't my man give birth!!!! 

Jun. 5th, 2008

Can no one just be sad anymore?

I'm here to ask the question: Can no one just be sad anymore? By the title of this entry, I suppose you are all wondering if I'm just being a sullen, bitter woman, but I'm none of these things. I will first say that this is a rant and I can jump from one subject to the next without developing an argument because this is not a debate, this is my emotional rant (is suppose) and they (emotions) jump around a lot. Well, to get back on track, I cannot be just sad anymore without people thinking I'm emo! Emo was a music genre before this whole: Gotta be miserable 24/7 because we can get attention this way!! I didn't mean to be upset, but I think that people thought this because I was upset without a reason. I know, I know, this doesn't sound good for my defense, but I truly could not comprehend why I was upset. I felt heartbroken, like someone I knew and loved would never be in my life again. You know! That heaviness of the chest, the sinking feeling that leaves this almost void that can only be filled with the love of another that has left you. I just couldn't explain why I was upset because I don't love anyone romantically and all my friends are alive. Does someone want to leave me? Is this some sort of precursor as to what will become? All that know me understand that I can be paranoid at times but please set my mind at ease! Don't refer to me as emo!! I'm normally happy! I can defend myself, I can pick myself out of sadness and I can carry on! I don't wallow in self-pity very often! I may care for other people more than I do myself, but I will not end my life over that because I do care for other people!!!!! I'm NOT EMO!!! Not in the musical sense or the stereotypical sense!! I love my friends so much, but when I come to a friend I don't want to be called emo because I happen to have an inexplainable sadness. I feel heartbroken now! I don't know why... I'm not yelling at anyone in particular but I was listening to a radio show and all these emos were getting hurt and made fun of because of what they were interested in. I know that the emos that declare they are such and act annoyingly so, get on my nerves, but I do feel sorry for them sometimes. YET, they can be overbearing! I don't hate them because that is a label and I care about individual people. Not a whole frickin' community!! So, I'm going to continue to be heartbroken until it goes away. Oh!!! 

TWILIGHT SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you for listening.  And now, for your enjoyment, I will think of ways that I can make Twilight disappear.  
Goodnight everybody!!!!

May. 12th, 2008

Sad green


I was taking my daily walk when I was dodging this skater guy walking down my usual route. So I deviated and out of the sky floated a green thing. It was a spider that landed on my ear-phone cord. It didn't scare me or anything, but I tried to pick him up carefully so I could help him, but, being a jumping spider or something like it, he jumped in my Bra. So, I still don't know where he is. He could be in my shirt still, but I don't care. I just thought it was funny.

Black and Yellow spider


Apr. 20th, 2008

Sad green

Self Loathing

HEY! I'm gonna start out the month or mid-month by doing what we all do at some point in time: Hating myself (ourselves for the masses). I seriously want to bitch about how I hate myself and don't care about myself like I do the people around me. Listen to the cheery overtones of this message and completely miss the underlying message: That I hate myself and always will. I care about everyone else more than I care about myself and that will never change. Thanks for reading!

Mar. 20th, 2008

Sad green

Testing this

Feb. 25th, 2008

Sad green


I have fallen for another dude At least this lust interest knows I exist and that he likes me too, but I cannot give information because that is too embarrassing. I hate my lipido. It attaches to the worst people in the past and I can't stand the way it makes me feel giddy! And yes I said the word giddy! Stupid NATURE! Yes, and for everyone's enjoyment I'm miserable with this little betrayal of my body! I could break out in song or stab a pillow. I feel like a true-blue X Chromosome and it sucks! Damn it! I like black haired guys now! That is so weird! Perhaps I go for stereotypical bad-guys, they are my obsession, but that doesn't mean my real life should revolve around them. Hit me over the head with something hard! Drag me through the desert and leave me there until I come to my senses. Kill the Lipido from HELL!

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